1st Bite

Look out for this one coming to youtube soon as a fully-fledged song with a rhythmn section and everything. The title is a reference to this film: http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi2978808601/

Born with a rattle in my bones
took me far, far from home.
I won't just sit there and decay.
Brought me to a distant shore
The promised land I had hoped for.
You won't recognize my new face.

I don't know if you'll miss me,
when I'm all the way over there.
I'll send you a postcard,
but I won't tell you from where.

Now I've found the rattle's back.
I don't know where I should be at.
There's too goddamn much in this world.
A question's reasoning, reasoning's doubt
My mind's the prison and I can't break out.
I will just sit here and decay.

And maybe you'll see me
up there on the stage.
You got two eyes don't you,
so look over this way.

It's so stupid to say, "I don't know"
'cause nobody knows but they keep trying.
It's so stupid to feel so alone
'cause we're all born alone
'till the day we are dying.

We live in the present
and the days ahead.
These bones are sure to rattle
until the day I'm dead.

Blame Pessismism

The problem is you.
The problem is me.
The problem is there is a problem.
The problem is that life is so fucked up, money is evil, people are wicked.
The problem is we would rather hear the story of a nine-year-old boy with cancer than an 8-year-old boy who works his ass off to support his family.
The problem is the rags-to-riches story got old.
The problem is mass-media, video games, television.
The problem is tyranny overseas.
The problem is the degradation of family values.
The problem is you think you need something outside of yourself to make you happy.
The problem is you see reflections of your perceived inadequacies in the body language of others.
The problem is you seek to be an individual by being selective about which works of others you use.
The problem is you think others' happiness is the same as your own.
The problem is you.
The problem is me.
The problem is you think there's only one person to blame.
The problem is there's always a downside.
The problem is we think there's a problem.
There are problems we don't even know about yet.
We can't do anything about the problem now.
Let's drink until the problem goes away.

The Complaint Manifesto

The night is scary and work was long and I come home scared of the rooms we didn't see 'till now.
It's dark, but it's still home. You'll cook us dinner, and we can finally relax.
If I could just tell you about this one thing.
All the day it was in my mind.
It was nothing in the end, but I swore it was gonna blow up in all of our faces.
I had this day you wouldn't believe.
They won't even let me think about taking off work.
I mean I need some time to breathe.
I need some time to party and drink 'till we drop.
I was so hungover the next day.
I need time to meet my girls/dogs and get my groove on the dance floor.
Maybe spend some time with my folks or that new boy/girl I've been seeing lately.
Did I tell you about the last one?
I saw him/her again. Like a bad rerun.
Did you see that show last night? I missed it.
This one I watched was so good.
It's a really must see.
I know the one you're talking about.
It was so overrated. It sucked.
How did they think that would be realistic?
Seriously.
Who watches and likes this crap?
Not you and not me.
You did what? and what did he do?
How'd he take that?
If I could find the words to say to make it right.
If only you were there.
I had this dream. It was crazy.
It was out of this world.
I was at work and then...
Anyway,
He actually did that. My own family.
Can you believe it?
I can't even believe it.
I'm scared of what I'll think about.
If you only knew what happened this one time.
It was too real to be true.
It makes me scared to think about the future of...us, you know.
Where are we going to go?
What are we going to do next?
Everything's already been done anyway.
I want to do something really memorable.
Like something people will see and say, "Wow, she/he did that?"
We all feel like that sometimes.
People are shitty drivers in this town.
They don't even know how to use a turn signal.
This asshole plumber made me wait for six hours last time this happened.
There were cockroaches everywhere in the house.
I kept trying to hint that we should go, but she just wouldn't take the hint.
Alright, well I have to get up so early in the morning.
The neighbor's dog better stay quiet or I'll put the thing to sleep myself.

Imp Rage

In a rage of passion
bordering on a fit.
I found myself unable
to get right out of my bed pit.
And I said, "fuck."
What the fuck am I doing?

Looking for inspiration
to come out of my silly head.
I dreamt amazing things
and did fuck all about them.
Well a dream's alright.
Like a human mousetrip.

I searched hard for some answers
to those questions I'd asked.
Staring straight into the mirror
saw a man without a shirt.
And I said, "fuck"
Don't wanna look at him no more.

This man's a failure.
He's no at all what you will see.
This man is so is so much more you know
If dreams could set his body free.
If dreams could start the feeding fire.
If dreams took you higher then higher
Then oh, then oh, the places you will go.
Lay back into bed
and fall asleep.
Yeah, fall asleep.

Well my brain is bursting
with things I'm sure I didn't think.
And it makes me wonder
who was I before this dink?
What black hole did I crawl out from?
Whose bright idea was it
to spin me on this roulette wheel
and not tell me where I'll end.
and never where I will end.

A painful sure existence.
All clear, easy to see.
That all is nothing anyway.
But nothing's everything.

If dreams could show the way,
If dreams could settle your heart,
then oh, then oh go back to sleep.
Wake me up again
when it falls apart.
Yeah, I'll be waiting.
Not wearing a shirt.

Wednesday

I don't know the day of the week.
Fuck it, don't care.
For all the good it'll do me.
My mind aint good like rewinding a movie.

And I don't know myself this week
Searching for my self
in a past I don't remember.
I might as well throw it out with the paper.

Been so many things
I kinda lost count.
Did you know I was that and this and that?
I feel your doubt.

7th grade
to
Sweet sixteen
Fuck the all
stuck in between.
Grammar school to graduate.
Put me back in
I aint quite finished yet.

What month is it this week?
Shit, what do I care?
For all the good it'd do me,
probably some bullshit likely to screw me.

And I forgot myself this week!
Sullied myself in ways I don't remember.
Watch out, you know, you never know what'll happen.

And so I think
my point comes across.
We're friends for the moment
'till it all falls apart.

Buddies.
Pals.
Boyfriend.
Cheater.
Liar. Sucker. Motherfucking creeper.
Acquaintances.
Long-lost friends.
A face in the crowd
that turns and stops and says,

"You won't believe this shit this week!"
Might as well care, too bored to pretend yeah.
Happened before, just listen, nod, share and stare.

Explain/Describe/Dismiss

No one makes you feel bad about yourself. You let others' thought and feelings control you. You make yourself feel bad.

Stupid is a silly word as most people have a reason for the things they do. People differ from one another in their individual beliefs about what constitutes rational thinking. We differ in our experiences and ability to correctly guess future events.

Crotchety is the word I would use to describe you at this age in life. More experienced. Angrier. More impotent. More impatient. Occasionally incontinent, but not in the good way. It is so easy to set you off that it makes you even easier to dismiss.

Young, uninformed, liberal, or naive are all words that would help you dismiss me.

The Dream About a Dinner Party

The day lies in empty bottles, apple cores, data on a memory stick.
The volume of the TV is below the hum of the refrigerator and fan.
I plead with the world to shut up tonight because the song in my head is soft and melodious.
A xylophone resounding soft thuds like powder snow.
Last night happened in a dream I had once a long time ago.
Sometimes I'm surprised to see you instead of just knowing you're there.
And I remember it's fun to play with you.
I see how I should be so I can remember when I can't be that way.
I had a dream about a dinner party.
Vivid so like the symptom.
And it feels like one of those dreams that'll come true.
But I am nowhere near that elegant highrise.
I sleep in your bed. After sunset. Before sunrise.
When I wake, I unfriend the one who got away.
In love songs, they make promises they can't keep.
Why is that so important?
I can't force myself to believe more than I can see.
I see you.

There are times I really want to hate you.
For all the good in you I still have so much doubt.
Are your sweet words truths or guidelines?
I feel I want to know whose love this is.

You should know. It's true.
I have never been your gender.
But I'm trying to understand.
Things have been getting better recently.
If our relationship worth its weight then it's worth it to wait.
Let's not aggravate our lack of problems.

My love

My love is a pink stuffy room.
You can't see through the barred windows.
My love chases you down narrow hallways
and stifles you softly.

Here I thought I was a hopeless romantic.
I didn't know how hopeless I could be.
Stay close for the next attack of panic.
Stay close.
Don't you ever leave.

My heart is as vulnerable as words on paper.
As easy to assail as an absent-minded comment.
It has broken and mended poorly,
but I have it and only it to give.

What a mess of conflicting signals.
A harmonious cacophony.
When I hear your height spoken aloud I am shocked
because you seem to tower over me.

This dude told me once...

Death is long and painful and starts when you begin to cling to hope.
To money.
To loved ones.
Right about the time you finish school and stop counting the years.
Your memory fragments.
You've lived countless lives, but they're all barely relavant to your current one.
And day by day,
you die.
You wake up and are reborn to die again.

The Monkey at the Elephant Camp

The Monkey at the Elephant Camp

When you were young, you were taken from your family or found bawling your little eyes out in hunger. You’re not sure. The people who found you took you to their elephant camp. They gave you milk, played with you, and they laughed and laughed. You felt warm.
When you got older, they sat you on the perch. You thought it was another game. They put a collar around your neck and tied the collar to the supporting wall. You reached out for them, but the collar held you back. If you move too far away from the perch, you fall from the perch. The collar presses tightly against your neck. It feels hard to breathe. You become scared. The people laugh and laugh and help you back on to the perch. You cling tightly to them when they hold you. You feel warm again. There are times you try to take the collar off. It is leather and feels strange against your fur. You have tried to push the collar over your head with your legs. It moves slightly, but your head is bigger than the collar is wide. The people have watched you do this sometimes. They laughed and came to play with you. You felt warm.
There are elephants in the camp tied to posts with metal chains. They step back and forth, moan, and when you watch them for too long you feel dizzy. They blow their trunks and sigh. Their eyes look blank and distant.
The people who take care of you also take care of other people. They go to together on top of the elephants. Before they ride the elephants, they often like to come and see you. Sometimes you wish you could hide and not let them come. All the attention is boring to you. There were times before where you felt hot and wanted them to go away and you shrieked at them and you tried to hurt them so they would go away and the people who take care of you came. They were angry and big. They made loud noises and you felt scared. You stopped shrieking. You felt cold.
The sun comes up. The people wake up. They take you to your perch and put the collar on your neck. You watch the other people come and go. You play with them when you want to, other times you look away and wait for them to go. Sometimes you want something sometimes you’re not sure what. You try to tell the people around you, but they often don’t understand. You give up. You watch the elephants. When the people finish eating, they give you the scraps. It is good. Some days it rains all day. The rain falls on the clay ground. It becomes muddy and sticks to the elephants and the people’s clothing. Sometimes you watch the cars and motorbikes pass. A few times, the people on the motorbikes have fallen over. They cried loudly. Smoke came up from their motorbikes. It smelled bad.
The people who take care of you wait for the other people come and go. They make noises with each other. You have heard these noises a long time and seen patterns. Sometimes you understand the noises. Often, you don’t care.
You sleep. Some one wakes you up. You roll over and go back to sleep. The sun goes down. Then the air is cooler. The people take you into their house. Sometimes they take off the collar. If you do something they don’t like, they put the collar back on. Sometimes you do the things they don’t like. You know they don’t like them. You don’t care.
Another sun comes up. You go out to the perch. You play, you watch, you sleep. Then the sun goes down. A moon comes up. The people sleep. Sometimes at night you see the animals that look like you, other monkeys. They don’t like the people. The monkeys stare at you. They make noises you don’t understand. It bores you.
Dogs come too. Sometimes they stare, sometimes they try to smell you, but your perch is tall. They can’t reach. They bark. They want to play or want to know what you are. You don’t understand. When cats come, they pretend not to watch you. At night, you hear the geckos. They are loud and make the same noise all night. They eat insects. You do that too. Ants crawl on your perch. You pick them up and watch them crawl on your arms. You eat them. They crawl around on your tongue. It tickles.
The sun comes up again. You go to your perch and wait for something you feel interested in to come.

Another Sunday

Sunday is the day for rehbilitation. For putting back all the bits you took apart last night when you were puking your guts out over the toilet. Lying to the guy trying to help you that you'd drink your water and eat the yogurt as soon as he goes back to his card game. You can hear the others talking about you. How you should have known better. When you raise your head, a wave of naseua hits again.
On Sunday, you try to let that go and with newfound optimism clean your apartment's debris with the bright shiny feeling that "Yes, you can get through the next week" and "Yes, you'll take better care of yourself."
Before the debauchery of Saturday night was Squash, and learning to like a new person, and dreams of the far off future playing basketball or tennis with your father. At a ripe age, but still healthy and vigorous. A jumpshot with good form and a better dribbler than you.
In the meantime, you let go a little bit. Fatty foods, Snickers, and sweet teeth-dissolving Pepsi alongside fruit, chilli peppers, and dental hygiene gum.
You think about a song you used to listen to when you were younger, and see new meaning in its words. Amid the narrative of a failed relationship were the realities of adulthood that are slipping through to you now.
You read about a journalist fighting against censorship in a futuristic city where anything is possible and think about everything you've ever heard instead of listening to.
On the ride home from your friend's place were signs of renewed political conflict, closed streets and vendors selling red shirts and other red-related merchandise. After a long period searching yourself, you realized what's changed between then and now. The last time, you had an opinion.
Maybe you still do. There is an noticeable lack of young faces, students, young urban professionals in the crowds.
Your friend has recently sworn against rehabilitation Sundays, desires a change in his life, and repeats this desire as if to convince himself before four beers and authentic margaritas change his mind.
At the train station, they were filming a music video and wanted you to participate, and you immediately felt regret as you refused. The girl who asked you looked dissapointed, but easily found an over-eager participant, delighted in the chance to be a part of the country's culture he was travelling in.
You tell yourself that you want to be on TV for the right reasons, but the regret still pains you.
This is a good Sunday. On a bad Sunday, you risk doing the same boring things you did the day before, struggling for something to hold your interest and yet still appeal to your drive for self-improvement.
This is an acceptable way to spend a life. Maybe even an encouraged one. On a seven day week, Thursday is the worst day. Saturday is hopefully the best, and Sunday is your day.

Only a Year

People are bored in Bangkok.
The TV is work's background noise.
Anecdotes are shared between friedns
Who laugh and jossle each other.
"It's just for fun.
Don't be serious.
We're just playing."
There is karaoke.
The MV shows a hard-working man.
Another missed call.
What could she be doing?
Then a set of photos hidden.
She found them, cleaning.
She cries, but keeps quiet.
He knows. She knows.
How long will he keep lying?
The phone rings.
The taxi asks,
"Where are you?"
like an inspector
interrogating a witness.
Guilty until guilty.
The top hit is "24/7"
All day every day.
Their next hit is "Soft, soft"
Gentle love.
They like to ask me if I'm single.
Marriage sometimes comes up.
I grab a co-worker's hand
and everyone laughs.
An honest mistake.
It used to mean a ring.
When she calls,
I can't think of anything to say.
She can't either.
Always the same.
They say we can't understand.
It's too complicated.
We weren't born and raised here.
What if we could?
We are the language we speak
and our cultural beliefs.
Our environments are unique
so is the happiness we seek.
I give up.
Many of us still call it "home"
'cause we're going back.

So You're Thinking of Teaching in Thailand, eh?

I am on my way home by the end of March. It's been a real good experience, but I'm having a lot of difficulty dealing with the Thai public education system, so I want out and I want a break from education systems for a while.
If you're interested in teaching in Thailand, I suggest you look for an international school outside of Bangkok. Bangkok is over-crowded and not a particularly well-planned city. Getting from one place to another takes a fair amount of time unless you whiz around the traffic on a motorbike. Bangkok is also very interesting because you could spend a lifetime in it and still find something new every day.
Chiang Mai is supposed to be very nice. Pattaya is very nice. It gets a bad reputation because of its Walking Street (a.k.a. Red Light District), but it's actually a pretty beautiful part of the country. There's an island (Koh Larn) nearby which you can take a ferry to most hours of the day.
I've heard some horror stories about international schools making contradictory or outlandish requests of their teachers like teaching Romeo & Juliet to 8th grade students who could barely carry speak or read. I've also heard stories about unfair treatment like my friend who was a volunteer coach for her school's basketball team until she was asked to stop because her kids complained to their parents that she made the kids show up on time and maintain a high grade point average. I mean, every school has its quirks.
The problem I've had with the public school I'm in is I have too many students and I have too little time to teach them (once a week with forty or more students), so we don't really know or understand each other. On top of that, I have Thai co-teachers who have been teaching English for 20 years or more, but could care less about the students they're teaching; treat cheating and plaguarism as facts of life; and barely understand me when I ask for help or try to talk casually. I wouldn't reccommend applying to the school I'm in now. There are lots of job postings on this site (http://www.ajarn.com/).
My best experience was with this teaching agency (http://www.aycthailand.com/). They put me in a private primary school where I could teach the same set of students 3 to 6 times a week. I had to teach from a silly book (most books are silly because they're published in other countries and Thailand's culture is quite different from most), but I had fun, the co-teachers were friendly and spoke English pretty well, and the students were learning. I also got long vacations.
My friend works for this company (http://www.wallstreet.in.th/). He says they're a little scatterbrained, but they pay well and the job is not too difficult. You don't get a lot of vacation time though.
With foreign travel comes the responsibility not to make an ass out of yourself. In other words, foreigners have a bad reputation because some leave their manners at home. A bad impression leaves a deeper impression than a good one. Thai people like to have fun, but they have limits and its important to learn and understand those limits in order to build better relations between Thailand and the rest of the world. It's important to keep a positive attitude, be patient and understanding no matter how rudely you are treated. Thai people may not like conflict, but if you push them too far, they are more than willing to push back harder. If you know you're being tricked, try to have some way to prove it whether it be real proof, make some up (a.k.a. lie), or try some other way to negotiate. Anger or violence should not be the last resort. Walking away or giving in are much better alternatives.

Of course, this advice and any advice from travel guide books should be taken with a grain of salt. If you feel mistreated, say so or remove yourself from the situation. A few times I've ignored mistreatment because I thought there was some cultural misunderstanding only to find out later that I was letting someone take advantage of me.

Good Luck!
โชคดี (chok dii)!

Woke Up Drunk

Early in the morning,
the bed became unbearable.
The floor was cold and sticky.
Outside on the balcony,
the moon was a sliver and falling.
the sun began to gloat.
The sky was moving faster than the Earth.